you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
