Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Randomize
