I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
