You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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