i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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