drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
There's always time for handjobs
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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