Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
