My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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