Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
