It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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