Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
