I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
