I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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