I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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