note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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