if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I am one with the molecules
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
