Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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