So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
The ass gains better be worth it
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