We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
