i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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