The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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