I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
They are going to name an STD after you.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
