Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
