the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
