If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
