Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
