this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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