Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped