I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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