I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
The Olympian is in my bed