I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
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Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
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No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.