I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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