We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
