Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
