True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
He passed out mid-signature
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party