i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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