I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.