I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans