You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
