got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
