Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
