Kareoke will never be a sober sport
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
