im six kinds of drunk right now
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
