dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
