If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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