Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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