but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
