1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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