so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
