Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
