mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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