cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
