Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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