Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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