i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
