I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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