just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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