No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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