I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
We left an ass print on the piano.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
