My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
