omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
