WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
