just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
She has the best kind of daddy issues
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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