Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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