just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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