She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
