My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
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These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
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He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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